50

Several weeks ago, I turned 50. Yeah, I know I don’t look that old. I get that all the time. What’s my secret? I have no idea. I don’t drink pop (soda) and I rarely drink alcohol. I eat salad for lunch 3-4 times a week and keep desserts to a minimum (what a boring existence, huh?). I try to walk often and sometimes, I think about running. I still skateboard and will jump with the kids on the trampoline if I have the energy. I’m missing a heart valve, I have spots in my brain and I survived a blood infection this past April. I’v been orphaned from my biological family for nearly 9 years. Like many people, I’ve survived a lot. Yet God has kept me here for a reason.

There are days when I wake up in a dark place. Yet, somehow God leads me through the storm. I look at my wife and kids and am reminded that I am here for them. I have to keep going, even when I feel weak and want to give up. I look at the world and I’m overwhelmed with the evil and the sadness. And then, I’m reminded that this isn’t my home. I’m only passing through and I’m here to shine my little light even when it feels like it makes no difference. I see friends moving on and loved ones who have lost their passion for living. I see Christian heroes who have fallen. Yet I’m reminded that I’m not necessarily responsible for the other runners in the race. I’ve wasted way too much time letting others distract me from the person I know God wants me to be. Managing my own heart keeps me busy enough. Besides, it’s the only thing within my control.

Life at age 50 is a whirlwind. Over the last six months, I’ve been doing a side hustle to pay off debt and I’m exhausted. I often get home from my day job, eat dinner, do some deliveries in the dark, say goodnight to the kids, do my Duolingo and if I have any energy, I might tweak away at the album I’m hoping to finish before I turn 60.

Everything is in a constant flux. Our kids can change overnight. Just when we’ve figured them out, they’ll drop a remix. My job is constantly evolving. I’ll walk in one morning only to find that I’m moving to a new desk with different responsibilities with new co-workers. Technology is insane right now. AI is changing everything. We just bought a new car, I lost a member in the band, the city keeps building stuff behind our house and the hair on my legs is falling off (apparently, they’re jealous of my scalp). Some of these things seem trivial until they’re piled one on top of the other. Bottom line, I’m getting older and my world is only getting crazier.
But there’s good news. Jesus is the same. He paid for every one of my stupid choices. He knows what it’s like to be human, to be weighed down and discouraged, to feel torn between this world and the world beyond. God is still the same loving Father who accepts me and leads me and renews my sense of purpose. I’m not here to please everyone, or make money, or catch the attention of a culture which can’t see past the next swipe of a TikTok video. 

I grew up believing I was going to do something great. Not sure where that came from. Maybe it was less of a calling from God and more a product of my own inferiority. I **wanted** to do something great. Maybe more specifically, I wanted God to want me to do something great. I’m not sure that has ever happened. There are times when I look back and feel like I wasted a lot of my time, energy and resources on things that don’t really matter. Here I am at age 50 wondering what I’m going to do with the rest of my life. I might have a day. I might have another forty or fifty years. I just know I want to love Jesus more and I want to lean on Him more than ever before.