Anxious

I’ve always been an anxious person. During grade school, I dreaded presentations. I rarely raised my hand in class. I worried what other kids thought of me. I was short, uncoordinated and shy. I remember running to my mom, the elementary art teacher, when a classmate threatened to pull down my sweatpants in fourth grade. Skeletons gave me the creeps (ironically, my dad kept a real skeleton in his art room). I was obsessed with aliens and thought I was going to be abducted from my bedroom. I worried about going through the Great Tribulation. I made my peace with God every time I stepped into an aircraft (in case the plane went down). The anxieties carried into adulthood. Job interviews were the worst. Talking to pretty girls freaked me out. I was one of those people who took excessive precautions for Y2K. To this day, I don’t like large crowds or loud noises (ironic being that I’m the front man for a rock band). I’m a germaphobe and would prefer an elbow bump over a hand shake. I’m a hypochondriac. Occasionally, I’ll have a panic attack. Sweaty palms. Tingling in my arms, hands and face. The shakes. Migraine auras. Even excessively chatty people make me feel nervous. I overpack when I go on trips “just in case.” I study my calendar religiously. And the list goes on and on. 

I’ve been meeting with my current therapist nearly every week for almost a year. We always have something to talk about. Sometimes we chat about my biological family. Sometimes we discuss the challenges of raising an ADHD child. Sometimes we focus on my anxieties. Some sessions stir up anger. Others are filled with tears. Most sessions involve at least some EMDR. At the end of each session, we put all the bad stuff in a box and throw it in the ocean. We then wrap up the hour by focusing on my “calm place” (a favorite vacation spot). Sometimes, I leave exhausted and emotional. Yet like a good workout, my brain feels like it’s been stretched and strengthened.

The mind is an amazing thing. Every spiral starts as a thought as does every breakthrough. Therapy has taught me so much. In an uncontrollable world, I am in control of my own thinking. I’ve spent so many years wishing that my biological family would accept me. I’ve wasted so much energy trying to understand and change my ADHD son. I’ve longed for a connection with people who can never be who I need them to be. This growth hasn’t come without struggle. Even while I’m writing this, I am being plagued by negative voices - voices telling me that I really don’t believe the words I’m writing. Voices telling me that I haven’t come very far. Voices telling me that I’m a freak of nature. Voices telling me I’m cursed with an uncontrollable brain.

My therapist recently suggested I adopt the following mantra - “I can’t control the future, but I will trust myself to handle whatever comes my way.” It’s amazing how this simple phrase has shifted my thinking. I am no longer a boat ravished by the waves of a relentless ocean. I am a ship with a compass…and a course…and a faithful captain who commands the seas and promises to stay with me through the most violent storm. At least this is what I’m working to believe. I’m spending less time worrying about “what could happen.” I’m trying to take one day at a time. I’m less of a prophet and more of a journalist. I am less concerned with the opinions of others. I am giving less attention to things and people who distract me from my bigger purpose. I’m developing a better filter system. I’ve started to ask myself more questions - how is this fear holding me back? Is this relationship sabotaging my emotional health? Am I building on the future or wasting energy on the past?

As a child, I learned the importance of guarding my body. I learned what was appropriate and what is inappropriate. I knew I shouldn’t accept candy or gifts from strangers. Yet my mind remained exposed. My mind wasn’t my own. I was manipulated by my parents and my siblings. I was misled by certain leaders. I was harassed by my own insecurities. My mind became a playground for misinformation, a highway for hitchhikers and bandits.

I’m not sure where I would be without therapy. When I was a child, my parents would shut me down when I talked about my emotions. They made me feel inferior, even crazy. Throughout my life, various friends and family members have made me feel abnormal because they couldn’t sense emotion on the same level. However, therapy has given me a safe place - a place where I can be me without judgement. I’m learning that everyone is wired differently…and I’m learning to build into relationships that complement my wiring and set boundaries in relationships where there isn’t that deeper connection. There is only so much grain in the silo and so much rice in the bucket. I want to give my best to my wife, my kids and those closest to me. My mind is the entryway to my heart, a personal and sacred doorway, not meant to be shared with villains or strangers. It’s the activator and extinguisher of my anxieties. Its houseguests will shape my destiny.

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” Philippians 4:8

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:34

Photo by Pok Rie