Inventory

Fall is one of my favorite seasons of the year. I love the beauty of the changing leaves, the crispness in the air and the stillness of a world in hibernation. (I might also be partial as my birthday is in October). The shorter days and plummeting temperatures can be depressing, but these are countered with the warmth of family memories and the anticipation of the holidays. (I certainly don’t mind the time off work as well). It’s sad to see the year fading, but I also feel a sense of accomplishment and an excitement for a new year with fresh opportunities. Often, for me, fall is a season of reflection. There’s also something about this sliver of the year which makes me want to write. Things are slowing down for the band which gives me more creative time and more energy to devote to words. For some reason, it feels good to take inventory. It’s hard to believe it’s been three months since I’ve written a post. It’s finally time.

It’s difficult to explain, but something has settled for me emotionally. I’ve been focusing on my roots and what matters the most. I’ve considered how far I’ve come. I can see that I’m a more confident person. I’m more emotionally stable, more self-controlled and certain things don’t bother me like they used to. I’m more apt to think before I speak or react. I flat out don’t care what some people think of me.

Throughout this growing process, I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships. I’ve had some wake up calls. A number of my parents’ missionary connections have died. I was sad to recently hear that my dad’s brother passed away in early September. He was a good guy. This discovery made me think about my parents. Maybe it was time to reach out again? After much consideration and some gentle nudging from an aunt and my therapist, I decided to send my parents an email. I received a nice response from my mom. We’ll see. I have no idea where this will go. Regardless, I can rest in the fact that I said what I wanted to say. I reiterated to my dad that I forgive him and I opened the door to further conversation. I’m made things right (again) and that’s all I can do.

I can tell I’ve come a long way. I definitely feel more at rest than I might have felt a year or even months ago. I’ve learned a lot about myself and human emotion in general. I’ve listened to a number of audio books - “The Body Keeps the Score,” “The Explosive Child”and most recently “Attached.” I’ve made a lot of progress thanks to my therapist. We’re still doing EMDR, but often, we just talk for an hour. It’s good to get feedback and bounce thoughts off of someone else, especially a mental health professional. She’s encouraged me to check in with myself often and to assess how I’m feeling. I’ve started writing short daily journals. I give each day a plus (+) or a minus (-) or possibly a combination depending on whether the day improved or worsened as it went along. It’s amazing how helpful it has been to observe the mountains and valleys on a calendar. In particular, I’ve been keeping track of the things that repeatedly get me down. It’s interesting how issues that bothered me one day often feel so insignificant the next day. There are so many things out of my control, but I’m trying to focus on what I can change…my attitude…whether or not I allow others to control me…and how much grace I show myself. I’m learning to trust that everything will be ok. Based on experience, God always works things out, one way or another.

A lot of pillars have been shaken over the last seven years. I’ve had some extremely dark moments. There have been times when I’ve strayed from God. I’ve looked for fulfillment within myself - and I’ve chased sin only to feel empty and pathetic. Yet I keep coming back to the same place. In the end, the only true lasting comfort has been found in my relationship with my Heavenly dad. There’s definitely a peace in better knowing who I am emotionally and mentally, but my deepest foundation is built on who I am in Christ. Solving the internal puzzle brings some satisfaction, but I’m also acutely aware that I’ll never fully understand myself and I definitely have no clue what makes some people tick. I’m doing the best I can with what God has given me and that’s all I can do and all that God expects me to do. So things are looking up. It’s ok to feel a sense of pride, especially when the default has been self criticism. I’ve faced so much attack - from my biological family, from the devil and from myself. It’s been a long grueling road, but so much good has come from the journey. I wouldn’t be who I am if it wasn’t for the struggle. My wife and I are closer. I appreciate my in-laws more. My son and I have worked through a lot of things and we’re learning from each other.

I’m typically the first person to kick myself when I’m down. Confidence doesn’t come easy to me. Yet I’m learning that it’s critical to forgive myself and it’s ok to compliment myself as long as this is coupled with an attitude of humility. Personal victories deserve celebration. Noting my progress doesn’t make me arrogant - it just makes me self-aware. Life is so crazy and unpredictable. Sometimes, I just need to breathe in the fall air and reflect on the path I’ve traveled so far. Knowing that I’ve progressed only makes me want to progress more. On the contrary, I’m the most discouraged when I feel stuck - and alone. Yet I’m reminded that I am a work in progress and God isn’t done with me. The fact that He is pursuing me still boggles my mind. I’ve wandered many times, but He always has a way of bringing me back to Himself. I may not see the future, but with this perspective in mind, I know I’m headed in the right direction.

“Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1

Photo by David Bartus