48

Today, I turn 48. Almost half way to 100. Wow. That seems crazy. I’m still waiting for the midlife crisis. I’m not even sure what that might look like for me. I don’t have any desire to buy a shiny new sports car (a new guitar would be nice, but I’ll resist for now). I’m not going to go play the lottery - or start a business - or go into full-time ministry. Some day, I’d like to go back to France, yet at this stage, we’re lucky if we can drive to Michigan for a day. I suppose for now, sporting a soul patch and playing in a rock band is as crazy as it gets (sadly, my daughter desperately wants me to shave off the soul patch, but I’m afraid I might lose my super powers). I’m not quite a senior citizen, but I’m no longer a young man. I can’t stay up until 2:00 am working on music like I did in college. My vision and hearing aren’t what they used to be. The grey hair is taking over. My body is teaching me new things I didn’t want to know. I see my friends on Facebook aging and changing and it’s unnerving because it reminds me that I’m maturing too.

Midlife crisis or not, 48 makes me think about who I am and who I want to be. What keeps me going? Where am I going? What makes me want to get up in the morning? What brings me joy? What gives me hope? What is my purpose? Who am I deep down inside? I say I love Jesus, but how far would I go for Him? What happens when I face true adversity? I say I forgive my parents and my biological family, but forgiveness can be so abstract and complicated. Have I really forgiven them if I keep talking about them publicly? I don’t know? They are part of my story so it’s hard not to mention them. There are so many things I want to be, but I often fall short - either because I don’t have the energy, time or discipline. I know I shouldn’t expect that I will be perfect and I should give myself some grace…but there are also moments when I want to kick myself in the butt. I fear stagnation. Complacency is one of my worst enemies. What if I stop reaching? Who will I become if I allow indifference to settle in?
It’s hard to watch others who have thrown in the towel. From all I can tell, old age sucks. Yet I see people in their 70’s and 80’s still changing the world, still seeing their significance and still existing with a purpose. I hope that will be me someday. I hope I don’t fizzle out early. I pray I don’t lose my love for life and my desire to be more like Jesus. I don’t want to stop caring. I don’t want to stop looking outside myself. I don’t want to become so obsessed with the evil in the world that I stop being the good in the world. I want to be grateful for where God has placed me. I want to find contentment in simple things - in moments with my kids and with my wife, in my friendships, in the beauty of nature, in the freedom to write and create music, in the amazement of God’s never-ending love and forgiveness.
There are many days when I feel exhausted and burned out and I long to reignite the lost fire inside. Sometimes, the spark is so hard to find. Dark seasons will come. But I won’t give up, even if it feels like I’m striking wet matches. God has put me here for a reason, although there have been many occasions when I’ve questioned my worth. But I keep coming back to God’s truth and eternal perspective. Regardless of the lies in my head, I matter because I’m a child of God. He’s brought me to day 17, 520 for a reason. One never knows what a year might bring, but I hope 49 will have me reminiscing on a previous year filled with miracles, victories and a deeper passion for a God who never gives up on His children.

“Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary.” Isaiah 40:31

Photo by Cottonbro Studio