Survival

The menacing red eyes of a spider glowed between the trees in the dark pixelated background. “The spiders can’t hurt me in creative mode, but I can kill them if I want to.” “Which mode do you like more?,” I asked her. “Definitely creative,” she replied as she sat long ways across the sofa chair, tapping away on her iPad.

It was a gloomy Monday morning and I had the day off since I was working the upcoming Saturday. I had woken up at 4:30 am, but managed to go back to sleep. It was now about 9:30. I methodically sipped my coffee as I sat on a dining room chair and gazed out the window at the downed limbs from the overnight storm. My daughter was happy and my wife was dropping my son off at his first ADHD group session. For a moment, the house was quiet.

Survival mode. A game of Minecraft had summed it up in a phrase. This is exactly where I’ve been recently. And like my seven-year-old daughter, I also prefer creative mode over survival mode. Yet unfortunately, unlike a video game, life rarely offers me the choice.

There are times when I hate being human. I hate that I want things I can’t have. I hate that I’m sometimes unhappy with things I do have. The more I exist for myself, the more I feel the need for self-preservation. And this is when survival mode becomes a thing. The fight for control. The fight to get what I want when I want it. Suddenly, there are red eyed spiders everywhere trying to steal my pixelated joy.

I’ve recently had some annoying letdowns. A Menard’s stove delivery which has been canceled three times over three weeks. A physical therapy session which has been canceled two times over two weeks. A custom music job which continues to be pushed back. Vehicles that keep breaking down. The cost of food. Weekends that don’t feel like weekends. Blah, blah, blah. Stupid stuff. Yet I know I’m not the only one.

I think God has been trying to get my attention recently. Things haven’t been going my way, and my pity parties haven’t been getting me anywhere. I wish I could find my contentment in God alone, but I just don’t know how to get there. Maybe if I delight myself in the Lord, He’ll give me the desires of HIS heart. I’ve been wanting to want God, but there is a difference between wanting to want something and truly and passionately wanting it. It’s hard to read the Bible. It’s hard to put my phone down. It’s hard to stop making plans. It’s hard letting go of things I can’t control instead of trying to manipulate or fix them. It’s hard to just sit and listen.

Jesus made it clear that life on earth would be filled with challenges and disappointments. Yet He also promised joy, peace, strength and hope. If I could latch on to one of them, it would be hope. Hope that life is more than a game of survival. Hope I am made for a purpose. Hope that God loves me enough to pursue me inspite of my shortsightedness and selfishness. Hope that this life’s trials are making me stronger and more equipped to help others who might find themselves in a dark pixelated world.

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

The photo above was taken in our backyard with a very slight filter enhancement.  As I looked up at the sky, I could sense God reminding me that He is still in control.